America in Short

Therein lies the rub. Therein lies the rub. Therein lies the rub.

Why has everyone agreed to this misquote? Aye, there’s the rub.

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This will change your life:

Stove-top popcorn.

Popcorn.

1/4 nutritional yeast

sea salt to taste

agave to taste

butter (optional)

Penzey’s Brady Street Cheese Sprinkle.

Trust me.

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Last week, my kitchen sink clogged. Laura and I went to the pharmacy to get some Draino. While we were waiting at the checkout line, Laura said, “Oh! We should get one of these Seattle shot glasses for your sister!”

She put one on the counter. I paid.

Yep. We bought a bottle of draino and a shot glass. No questions asked.

At the bakery in the market, the woman behind the counter always calls me “scrumple.” Like, “Whaddya need today scrumple?” “Try this this sample you scrumple you.” Not only is it weird, but it sounds like a baked good, and I just don’t like the insinuation that I have the same name as the things she sells.

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“I want every day of my life to look like a postcard,” he told me.

“That’d be good,” I said. “Then you could buy the cheaper stamps.”

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I heard this on the bus: “I just feel like we’re adults now. We can’t just go off and start stealing cars all of a sudden.”

Kids will be kids, that’s what I always think when I hear about motor vehicle theft.

Sometimes, my life feels like just one long episode of Moesha.

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A friend of mine in northern Canada sent me a picture of herself and her two huskies in layers and layers of clothes in a snow covered field holding up a sign that said “Occupy the Tundra.”

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One of the better feelings in life is no longer ever asking, “hey, ummmm, do you mind if I like, take a shower?”